


the beforemath

by fruectose



Series: from the corners of my brain [4]
Category: Percy Jackson and the Olympians - Rick Riordan
Genre: F/M, but a sad death nonetheless, okay not MAJOR character death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-11
Updated: 2020-07-11
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:08:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,277
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25207483
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fruectose/pseuds/fruectose
Summary: why did i name it the beforemath? because i've officially run out of ideas <3silena and annabeth have a chat.happy birthday to my girl annabeth chase but idk based on your timezone...
Series: from the corners of my brain [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826065
Comments: 2
Kudos: 34





	the beforemath

Annabeth couldn’t have seen it coming in a million years.

She’d caught sight of Percy, for the first time in months- his hair was a mess and he smelled like soot, but he was _alright_ and standing and- _alone_. Annabeth’s heart had dropped to her toes and she’d looked over his shoulder, desperate for any sign that Beckendorf was around. Then she’d seen the stricken look on Percy’s face, his quivering bottom lip and trembling hand, and-

Her throat had closed up.

It was her fault. Just like the Battle of the Labyrinth. Annabeth was killing her own friends, people she’d grown up with. She, alone, was the reason they were dying.

She could barely stand to watch Silena receive the news.

Beckendorf had been a year-rounder, like Annabeth, since she was ten and he was thirteen. He’d been the one to help her out in the forges. He’d taught her how to make mini models out of her blueprints. He was kind and laid-back and charming and full of life. He’d been a friend, a teammate and family to Annabeth. That was all she could think of- the way he’d laugh at her when she did something silly and how he looked at Silena like she was the only person on the planet.

He was a hero in every way that mattered, and now he was dead. And it was because Annabeth hadn’t even tried to stop the war.

They were sat in the rec room and she stared at the ping pong table. Chiron was saying something about future operations and Michael Yew was bragging about the chariot and Annabeth couldn’t bring herself to focus. Wave upon wave of guilt washed over her until she wished it would just finish the job and drown her.

If she’d had any idea- she’d have run away with Luke. She would have dropped off the face of the planet, made sure they were never found. She had the chance to save so many lives- Lee, Castor, Luke- and now Beckendorf. Annabeth had all their blood on her hands and she had nobody to tell. Her hands began to tremble and she kept them firmly under the table. She choked back a sob and closed her eyes, taking a deep breath.

She would _not_ cry. If Silena could sit across the table from her and keep it together, Annabeth could get through this without bursting into tears. _But then again_ , her brain reminded her. _Silena isn’t the reason her boyfriend is dead. You are_.

Annabeth could not leave the meeting faster. She bolted out and she was running to wherever her legs would take her. She only stopped once she’d ran up the entirety of Half-Blood hill and she stood under Thalia’s tree.

  
Where it all started, really.

She patted Peleus gently and sat down between him and the tree trunk. She wondered if it would be crazy to confess to the dragon. She felt like the world was closing up around her, but she was too afraid to speak out the truth. Once she told someone, everybody would know. Then all the Apollo cabin would see when they looked at her was the girl who’d gotten their brother killed. _And why shouldn’t they?_ A voice asked in her mind. _It’s true. She alone was to blame_.

Maybe some part of her _wanted_ to be ostracized. She could survive that punishment. She didn’t think she could carry this pain alone for much longer. Her heart was always heavy and her head always dizzy. She was pretty sure she was dying from the stress, and a part of her thought she was getting her dues.

  
She stared at the sky until her vision blurred. She didn’t realize she’d been crying until someone approached her. She looked up to see Silena, her eyes red and her face puffy. She nodded to the grass beside Annabeth, asking silently for permission to join her. Annabeth felt sick at the sight of her oldest friend, but she nodded anyway. She wriggled over to make enough space for the both of them to fit between the tree and Peleus’ heavy tail.

“Are you okay?” Silena asked quietly. Annabeth couldn’t believe it. She gawked at Silena. Of course Silena was still looking out for her- that’s who she was. Silena was the embodiment of love itself and Annabeth’s chest hurt with emotion. There was so much Annabeth wished she could tell her, but somewhere between getting kidnapped by Luke and being responsible for Silena’s boyfriend’s violent death, Annabeth felt like she’d collected too many secrets. She didn’t know where to start.

“I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend to you.” She said. Her voice was gravelly and the words burned her throat.

“You kidding me?” Silena asked. Her lips quirked upwards, and Annabeth was struck by how beautiful she was, even with her mascara running down her cheeks and her lipstick smudged over her chin. “You’re my baby sister, Bunny.” She knocked her shoulder against Annabeth’s.

Annabeth smiled at the name. All the older kids used to call her Bunny, she thought Luke was the one who came up with it. He used to laugh that she was like a rabbit- always bouncing with energy and her ears up like antennas looking for new information. After Kronos got to Luke, the name had slowly dropped off. Annabeth thought it reminded her friends too much of a happier time and made the present too painful.

Silena didn’t stop, though. She always said it with a playfulness that made it innocent. A term of endearment you’d call your little sister. Someone you’d grown up with and learned the ways of the world alongside. Annabeth didn’t feel deserving of those memories. She didn’t feel deserving any affection at all. Her eyes stung with fresh tears.

“How are you holding up?” She asked. Silena held her hand out and Annabeth slipped hers into it, lacing their fingers together.

“Terribly.” Silena said simply. “But also, in a weird, horrible way… I feel relieved.”

Annabeth looked at her.

“This way I don’t have to worry about him during the war.” She said sadly. “At least… at least there’s that.” Her voice broke and Annabeth wondered if maybe she was searching too hard for a silver lining. “Charlie knew what he was getting into. We… we talked about the possibilities. I just thought-” She faltered. “I thought I’d done everything in my power to keep him safe. But sometimes that’s not enough, you know? At least I’m not worried about what _might_ happen.”

Silena’s voice had dropped to a whisper. She looked like she was struggling to speak. She looked out onto the camp below them. Annabeth spotted Percy and Travis Stoll talking by the firepit and her stomach twisted uncomfortably. She tried not to think about the lines of the prophecy, but Silena’s words rang in her head. Did it really help to know what was going to happen?

“I guess.” Annabeth said. “It doesn’t make losing someone any easier. Knowing that it could go south.”

Silena followed her gaze. She untangled their fingers and wrapped an arm over Annabeth’s shoulders. Annabeth leaned in and closed her eyes. Silena needed _her_ support, and yet, here she was. Selfish, conceited Annabeth Chase- taking, taking, taking from everyone who’s ever cared about her. What did they get back from her? A war.

“This whole thing is my fault.” She blurted. She’d hoped she’d die in the war and would take the guilt with her to the grave, but this was Silena. Brave, kind, wonderful Silena, who’d braided her hair and snuck Disney movies into camp and always saved Annabeth’s favourite chocolates for her. Silena, who’d been there for her at any time, no matter what, for seven years. Annabeth didn’t care how she went, but she couldn’t leave without apologizing to Silena. She owed her friend that much.

“What are you talking about?”

Annabeth sobbed now. “I killed Beckendorf.” She said. She waited for Silena to run her through with her sword, but it never came. When Annabeth plucked up the courage to meet her eye, Silena was frowning, and she searched Annabeth’s face.

“No, you didn’t.” She said with faith that only Silena Beauregard could have. It only made it worse.

Annabeth sniffed. “I’m sorry. It is. I… Luke visited me last year. He wanted my help, and I said no. I had no idea what was going to happen- _I’m_ the reason Kronos…”

“Annabeth, don’t say that!” Silena said. Annabeth shook her head.

“But it _is_! Luke is… dead- because I didn’t run away with him.” Annabeth pulled away from Silena and put her head in her hands and wept. There was a long silence.

“Luke loved you more than anything in the world.” Silena finally said. “You have to remember that.”

“He tried to kill me. Multiple times.” Annabeth sobbed.

“We both know that if Luke really wanted you dead, you wouldn’t have stood a chance.” Silena said. Annabeth didn’t want to admit it, but she was right. She could think of at least ten scenarios where Luke could have easily beheaded her, drowned her, tortured her to death or left her to starve- and he’d failed every time. “He _adored_ you, Annabeth. Trust me, I’m a daughter of love. I know these things.” Silena said sagely.

“And look what I’ve let happen to him.”

“But Luke has also made some heartbreaking mistakes. That was _his_ price to pay, not yours. Just because he loved you doesn’t mean you’re responsible for everything he did.”

“I feel like I am.” Annabeth said. Silena nodded.

“I feel responsible for a lot of things, too.” She said. “But everyone makes what they believe to be the right choices at the time.”

“ _I’m_ the reason all those people died last year. I’m the reason Beck-”

“No. _Luke_ is. _Luke_ made the choice to give himself to Kronos. I won’t hear you blame yourself one more time.”

“He asked me for help.” Annabeth objected. “He wanted to run away, and… I said no. If I had just… I could have stopped this.”

Silena finally met her gaze, and all the blood in Annabeth’s body rushed to her head. She’d finally let out her big secret- and now Silena would know how horribly she messed up. This was it. She’d lost Luke and Percy, and now she’d lose all her friends at Camp Half Blood. She was seven years old again, all alone. Her against the world, only this time she had Luke’s knife instead of her hammer.

“He shouldn’t have done that.” Silena said finally. “He should have known better.”

Annabeth didn’t respond. Silena refused to blame her, and it made no sense. Maybe, Annabeth thought, Silena was going easy on her, but she’d tell Clarisse and they’d hate her forever, Annabeth didn’t know where Silena stood, and she was too scared to ask.

“Why did you say no?” Silena asked after a while. Her tone was gentle and she plucked at the grass aimlessly.

Annabeth hesitated. Why _had_ she said no? She knew the answer- although it felt stupid now. She thought about a promise she’d made- in the dark, in the back of a truck with a zebra, a lion and a half-goat. She didn’t respond.

But Silena understood. She gave her another small smile and slipped a hand back into Annabeth’s.

“I love you.” Silena said. Quietly. Simply.

“I love you too.”

They sat there for a while.

“One day he’ll see what he’s missing out on.” Silena told her, after what felt like ages. She nodded to Percy and Travis. There were tears in her eyes, but it was obvious she wasn’t ready to talk about Beckendorf just yet.

“I don’t care.” Annabeth lied.

“He doesn’t care about Rachel the way he cares about you.”

“I think his actions make it fairly obvious he prefers his mortal side.” Annabeth said. Silena shrugged her shoulders.

“If that’s true, he isn’t half the man I think him to be.” She said, as if that resolved everything.

Annabeth was quiet for a moment. “Are you scared?” She asked. “Of how this will play out?”

“Oh, I’m terrified.” Silena admitted. “But not scared… not scared of death, anyway.”

Annabeth thought she meant because she’d see Beckendorf.

“I don’t think I could live with myself if I survived.” Silena said. Annabeth didn’t know how to respond to that, but she could also see Silena wasn’t going to elaborate. “I’m terrified of the war, though. Of what it could mean if we lose.”

“We won’t lose.” Annabeth said, for the first time not feeling certain.

“We might.” Silena shrugged. “All we can hope for is to have each other, right? Until the very end.”

Annabeth looked over at her friend. “How are you so calm?”

“I have nothing left to lose.” Silena said.

“I guess I don’t, either.” Annabeth said. “But it doesn’t make it easier.”

“I think you have too much to lose.” Silena said.

“I don’t want to go through this.” Annabeth said. _I don’t want to be sitting under this tree, like you are now, mourning a piece of my heart that I know won’t make it out_.

“Sometimes,” Silena said. She leaned back on her elbows and looked up at the clouds. Annabeth wondered if she was imagining Beckendorf watching over her. “Life puts you through the ringer so you come out stronger.”

“Is that what you feel? Stronger?”

“No. I feel like my entire being is falling apart.” Silena said. “But there’s strength in weakness, I think. Strength in love like ours.”


End file.
